My Breastfeeding Journey... and the Unexpected Grief When It Ends

Motherhood is a journey marked by constant beginnings and endings—each chapter full of firsts, lasts, and the emotions that live in between. As we continue The Motherhood Diaries, we’re reminded that not all endings come with closure, and some leave a quiet ache long after they’ve passed.

In this heartfelt story, a mother reflects on her breastfeeding journey—how it stretched across three children, how it became second nature, and how, even with all its challenges, it brought her deep joy and connection. What she didn’t expect was the unexpected grief that arrived once it ended.

This piece is tender, relatable, and so often unspoken. Breastfeeding, like many elements of early motherhood, is often framed as a box to tick or a milestone to hit. But the emotional landscape behind it—the bonding, the exhaustion, the relief, the loss—is rarely captured so honestly.

We’re honoured to share this story, not just because it’s beautifully written, but because it acknowledges something so many mothers quietly feel and rarely voice: that even the things we choose to stop can leave a lasting imprint on our hearts.

There aren’t many things I’d say I truly excel at in life, parenting or otherwise, but breastfeeding was one of them. I nursed all three of my children for a decent stretch of time — 13 months with my first, around 15 months with my second, and 18 months with my third.

There were hard moments, and by the end, I was ready for it to be done.

And now it’s been done for over two years. 

And God, I miss it.

In the early days there were times I almost gave up. If my eldest would have taken the bottle from me, I may have. I remember lying on our bed during week two crying, no sobbing my heart out - I’d phoned some sort of breastfeeding helpline (maybe La Leche?). I felt like this couldn’t be right — she wouldn’t stop feeding, I was so tired, sore, and had nothing left to give. They suggested I try lying on my side while I fed. I did, and it worked. I must have fallen asleep with her like that, and we both got some rest. That day passed, and eventually, we fell into a comfortable rhythm. It became the easiest way to comfort her. And eventually I enjoyed it and my confidence doing in anywhere and everywhere grew.

Around 12 or 13 months with each child, I considered stopping, especially at bedtime, when I had always fed them to sleep. But my husband took over, and we found our new routine. Despite the challenges, breastfeeding became a natural rhythm for us. It was the easiest way to comfort and soothe them, and I loved it.

So many friends have said their breastfeeding and bottle-feeding journeys were different with each child, but for me, they were surprisingly similar. My son would take a pacifier which was a help and a hindrance. All would occasionally take a bit of bottle from my mum if they had to in desperation but not from me. Or anyone else. With each pregnancy I swore I’d get this one to take a bottle, so I had that option, but it just didn’t work out - in all honesty I probably didn’t try hard enough because by then I knew it would work itself out. 

Now when I seem a mum and baby huddled together nursing, I feel all the feels. Her mixture of emotions - wanting to comfort and sooth, the let-down, the sometimes pain and frustration - but also a strange jealousy and longing for that time, for all the feelings that came with it. It feels like the distant past though it was only a few short years ago. I feel it so deep. An ache of grief knowing that experience is over. I feel a prick of tears threaten as I type this… maybe I’m hormonal! 

Don’t get me wrong there’s also a sense of relief. I have the freedom to wear anything I want now, to miss the odd bedtime. And I’m thankful for that bond and those moments. 

I know everyone’s journey is different. There are other aspects of motherhood I’ve found SO hard. And that’s ongoing… my eldest is about to start high school and I may have to put myself on Valium to deal with the smartphone stress and friendship ups and downs that come with tweenage years. But the nursing I could do. Maybe I should add it to my CV: Excels at breastfeeding.